The truth about sparks: Why conscious love is a slow burn
In the modern dating world, many of us are conditioned to believe in the allure of the “spark.” It’s that electrifying moment when you lock eyes with someone across the room, and suddenly, your heart races, your palms sweat, and your entire body feels alive with excitement. This moment is often celebrated in romantic comedies and novels as the start of something magical - the elusive “love at first sight.” But while the idea of a spark is tempting, is it really the foundation of a lasting, healthy relationship? Many experts say no.
In fact, chasing that initial chemistry can be a trap, leading us to overlook potential partners who don’t set off fireworks right away but who might actually be the better match in the long run. Conscious love - the kind of love that lasts and grows - often takes time to develop, and that’s where the idea of “slow dating” comes in.
What Is a Spark, Really?
We often say there are sparks between two people when there’s an immediate connection, an undeniable chemistry that feels thrilling and irresistible. This could be that electric feeling when you first kiss, or the rush of excitement thinking about someone after your first date. But according to relationship experts like Logan Ury, Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and author of How Not to Die Alone, this instant chemistry might not be as meaningful as we think.
Ury explains that some people are naturally “sparky.” They know how to charm, flirt, and create an immediate sense of connection. They can make you feel like the most interesting person in the room, sparking feelings of attraction - but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll make good partners. In fact, many sparks fizzle out quickly when the initial excitement fades, leaving behind little substance to sustain a relationship.
Susan Trombetti, a relationship expert and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, also warns against confusing sparks with true connection. She calls it a “false start” - the idea that we may project our desires onto someone who reminds us of a previous love or embodies qualities we think we’re looking for, only to find out later that the connection isn’t as deep as we hoped.
Sparks vs. Slow Burn: The Danger of Instant Chemistry
In a society that celebrates the instant rush of emotions, it’s easy to mistake sparks for love. But experts argue that real, lasting relationships are often born out of something much slower - a simmering connection that builds over time.
Logan Ury highlights that those initial butterflies we feel on a first date might not even be a good sign. “Sometimes those butterflies are actually alarm bells,” she says, pointing out that excitement can sometimes mask anxiety or insecurity. When someone is hard to pin down or plays games, it can create an adrenaline rush that we confuse with passion. But what we’re really feeling is uncertainty - not the calm, steady foundation that conscious love is built on.
This isn’t to say that chemistry doesn’t matter. It’s just that it might take longer to develop than we expect. Real chemistry, according to Ury and Trombetti, is a combination of emotional intimacy, shared values, and a deep understanding of one another. These qualities take time to uncover and can’t always be felt after a single date - or even after the first few.
The Power of Simmering: Building Love Slowly
So, if instant sparks can be misleading, what should we be looking for instead? The answer lies in what relationship experts call the “simmer.” Instead of rushing to feel a spark, give the relationship time to heat up slowly.
“Some of the best relationships come from a slow burn rather than a spark,”
“Some of the best relationships come from a slow burn rather than a spark,” says Ury. In fact, research shows that the more we get to know someone, the more attractive they become. This psychological phenomenon, known as the Mere Exposure Effect, suggests that familiarity breeds comfort, trust, and ultimately, attraction.
Taking the time to let a relationship simmer also allows you to see your partner more clearly. You’ll have the opportunity to assess their values, how they treat others, and whether they bring out the best in you. First dates, after all, are often filled with nerves, and it’s difficult to get a real sense of someone’s character when you’re both trying to make a good impression. Ury recommends focusing less on whether you feel instant chemistry and more on whether the person makes you feel relaxed, curious, and heard.
Trombetti suggests giving a potential relationship at least five to six dates before making a judgment. During that time, pay attention to how the person makes you feel beyond the initial physical attraction. Are they respectful? Do they listen to you? Do they make you laugh? These are the qualities that predict a relationship’s long-term success far more than the intensity of the spark you feel at the beginning.
Conscious Dating: A Mindful Approach to Love
Conscious love requires patience and mindfulness. It’s about letting go of the rush for instant gratification and focusing on building something deeper and more meaningful. In conscious dating, you take the time to reflect on your own needs, values, and desires in a relationship, and you approach dating with the intention of finding a true partnership - not just a fleeting romance.
Instead of asking whether someone makes your heart race after a single date, ask yourself if they have the qualities that will make them a supportive, loving partner over time. Are they emotionally available? Are they kind? Do you share similar life goals? These are the questions that matter when it comes to building a relationship that lasts.
Ury suggests using her “Post-Date Eight” questions to help guide your reflection after each date:
What side of me did they bring out?
How did my body feel during the date—stiff, relaxed, or something in between?
Do I feel more energized or de-energized than I did before the date?
Is there something about them I’m curious about?
Did they make me laugh?
Did I feel heard?
Did I feel attractive in their presence?
Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?
By taking the time to reflect on these questions, you’ll gain a better understanding of whether a relationship has the potential to grow into something meaningful.
When to Move On: Knowing When a Spark Isn’t Coming
While it’s important to give relationships time to develop, it’s also crucial to recognize when the spark just isn’t going to ignite. If after several dates, you feel no emotional connection, it may be time to move on. But don’t make that decision too hastily. As Ury points out, many healthy, long-term relationships didn’t start with a spark. They started with mutual respect, shared values, and a desire to build something real.
Ultimately, the goal of conscious dating is to find someone who complements your life and helps you grow—not someone who provides a temporary thrill. So next time you feel pressured to chase that instant spark, remember: the best love stories are the ones that take time to build. Let your relationship simmer, and you may find that the slow burn is the most rewarding flame of all.
In conclusion, the obsession with finding that immediate spark in dating is a reflection of our fast-paced culture. But when it comes to real, lasting love, slow and steady often wins the race. Instead of focusing on fireworks, we should focus on the qualities that truly matter: kindness, respect, shared values, and emotional connection. By embracing the slow burn, we give ourselves the chance to experience conscious love - a love that’s built to last.
