Aftonbladet, mistakes on the first date

In an interview with Aftonbladet, Lemarc Thomas reviews six common mistakes that people make on the first date. Check it out here. Or download the full article here.

This article is in Swedish, but here is the original english text below.

The most common mistakes people make on the first date  

The biggest mistake that you can make when dating is to try to be someone that you are not! As matchmakers, this is the most common mistake we see date after date, adapting yourself to be more “attractive”. Being flock animals, we are programmed to try and fit in. However, the paradox is that in order to feel truly loved and accepted you have to dare not fit in, and just be you. You’re not for everyone! So, it’s okay to weed out those who are not your match.

The big dating turn offs:  

- Did I mention my ex!?... We all know that this is a big no no, yet how many times do we hear that “he was nice but he talked about his ex for an hour!” Yup it’s often the guys that do this… You probably got comfortable, enjoyed the conversation, and just opened up… but the result is… it comes across that you are not over your ex!
- The interviewer. You either slip into work mode firing off a load of questions because out of habit, or you are trying to assess if they are your match. Either way, no one wants to feel like they are at a job interview! Focus on connection. Make sure that the conversation is flowing and that it is balanced. If not, change it up! It’s a dance, where each person takes turns to slowly give and receive.
- The sceptic. You’ve been on a hundred first dates. You have no hope that this will go anywhere. You are totally sceptical about the person in front of you. And you are poking at them, with contempt, secretly hoping that they will prove you wrong. They won’t. They will leave the date also having lost a little bit of hope.  
- The indulgent monologue. Like the sound of your own voice much? Or maybe your just a nervous talker, uncomfortable with silence. Give the other person some space, remember the key is balance.  A simple check, are you talking more than you are listening? Usually, the person who talked over the whole date has a great experience and the person who struggled for space thought it was the worse date ever! Slow it down, really listen to each other and be curious.
- The player. If you think acting cool and uninterested or unavailable is a good strategy, it is not. If you think jealousy will help you win over your date, it not a recipe for long-term success. Flirting is great. Playing games with both people’s consent can be fun. But as a dating strategy… not likely to lead to a healthy lasting love.
- The last chance romance! You sooo very much want to get married, have children, buy the house, and have the life your friends created while you were doing other things. Your date can feel the desperation. You: tick tock, let’s move this along. Your date: I want someone who is interested in a relationship with me, not just ticking boxes. Don’t hold on to the dream so tight that you forget the way there.

Why do people make these mistakes?

We are all just doing our best to be loved and accepted. Opening oneself up to find love is not easy. People are nervous, feel awkward, have high hopes and expectations… it’s vulnerable.

As social animals, we are programmed to adapt in order to fit in. Dating situations are quite scary so we resort to our best survival strategies. The thing is that our survival strategies get us through the date, but they don’t get us to date number 2.

So how can you get out of survival mode and into love mode?  

1.     Slow it down. It’s natural to feel nervous, awkward, and excited all at once. Allow these feelings – this energy is what might transform to chemistry and connection.

2.     Prepare for the date. Exercise, shower, get dressed, meditate, do a 2 minute power pose in the bathroom… whatever you need in order to let go of what you have been doing, feel present, open… and you.

3.     Set an intention – even if you never saw this person again, what would make this a great encounter?

4.     Remember that this is just another humble human opposite you, trying their best to find love, just like you.

5.     Create a welcoming space where the other person feels at ease.

6.     Be genuine, curious and fully listen, playing with the dance of connection, taking turns to slowly and gradually ask and share more.

7.     Be more than two brains talking, bring your body in, allow movement, check in to see how your body is feeling with this other person.

8.     Have fun.