Conscious action to deep connection
Introduction to Step 4
Don’t wait around for love to come knocking at your door. Step 4 in our 4 steps to love is about doing. Take conscious action to meet love!
It’s time to find your people and whilst doing so, continue the practices we explored in the previous steps: being mindful of old patterns, embracing your authentic self and keeping in mind your relationship requirements.
You find people in communities, so nest yourself in (loving) communities where you thrive – and where you can venture outside of your comfort zone to take risks to give and receive love.
What’s stopping you?
There can me many obstacles inhibiting people from doing what it takes to fulfil their dreams. Here a a few common limiting factors we come across whilst matchmakng:
”It’s not romantic” – there is the misconception that taking action will take away the romance, because love is just suppose to happen, right? No, trust me, I’ve met people late in their life, where ‘love’ has not just ‘happened’. You need a lot of hard work and brute force to get to that diamond! Taking action can get you to the magic of connection – romance does not just happen, it’s created. Check out this article where we were interviewed about romantic realism.
You are protecting yourself from the things you want most – pursuing the things closest to your heart is scary and vulnerable. It is therefore easy to activate your defence mechanisms. Considering the three levels of consciousness in step 1, practice being mindfully aware so that you can drop your defences and do what is most helpful to get what you really want.
Holding on to hope – Some of you are scared to do what it takes to meet love because you are holding on to hope. If you do nothing, you still have the hope that it might happen, but if you actually try and fail you won’t even have the hope. But I can assure you that taking action actually increases hope – the more you do (within reason) the more possibilities open up.
You don’t know what to do – yes, it’s common that one feels a bit clueless about what you can do to meet people, especially when the usual ways don’t seen to be fruitful. Read on…
Loving Kindness Meditation
First, we recommend practising Loving Kindness mediation. This is a Buddhist technique to open the heart to love. So whilst your are taking action towards love, give yourself this gift. There has been much research on how loving kindness meditation boosts positive emotions which among other things, increases social connectedness. Practises like this literally opens the heart to love.
If you are interested in reading more about positive emotions, we recommend reading Love 2.0 by Barbara Fredrickson.
Taking Conscious Action
Now that you are open to love, what actions are you going to take to meet your love?
Much of what we explored in the previous steps was about your inner sphere. Whilst part of ‘doing’ might be continuing these practices, now we will focus on making encounters happen.
You want to find a life partner. That means you have to meet some people – meet your people. In the past we were more connected to communities and met partners within our community. Now our communities have opened up and become vast and unlimited. But we need community. Firstly, being nested in a loving community we can feel safe, secure and well – giving us the inner resources and support system to take the risks for giving and receiving love. Secondly, if you are a part of communities where you feel a sense of belonging you are likely to meet others who you connect with. In a community you meet love, and your community can also hold that love.
But really what shall I do?
Here are a few ideas of where your future love is hiding.
Online – Research from Stanford University suggests 39 percent of heterosexual couples meet online in the USA – this has now become the most popular way to meet. So we don’t suggest discarding online dating. Just remember that it’s a tool and it’s up to you to act human and use this tool consciously. Helen Fisher, Anthropologist, says the more profiles you go through online the less likely you are to be in a relationship with any of them. She suggests logging off when you have spoken to 9 people. More than this you will go into cognitive overload leading to romantic fatigue.
Other dating resources/ events – we often see people cringe about going to singles events. Do something. But don’t do stuff that makes you feel like crap, because the results will be… crap. You either have to approach these events with a new mindset, or find events that actually inspire you, that sparks your interest.
Interest groups – join communities within your interests, for example, sports clubs, vegan networks, nature groups, burning man groups, knitting clubs, reading clubs, dance classes… whatever floats your boat. Go on courses where you learn stuff, do adventures (adrenaline is good for chemistry), but if you are a straight woman looking for a man, don’t go to a belly dance class at the gym expecting to meet your man. Have fun!
Ask a friend – how about asking your friends or family for introductions. Be smart about this. Think like a matchmaker… who around you would be a good brand ambassador for you, and who might have the network to introduce people to you? Reach out to people who are going to be helpful and whom you want to trust with this vulnerable part of your life.
Get a buddy – connect with someone else who is looking for a relationship and be each other’s cheerleader, wing person, coach, partner in crime.
Or.. Hire a matchmaker 😉
Talk to strangers – there are people around you; in your everyday life. What would happen if you lift up your chin, opened your eyes, let your mouth relax into a smile and connected with these people? Too many of us are in the habit of avoiding contact with other people as if they are scary, contagious (for good reason right now) or that they will see some defect within us – they are probably just people like you.
Try collecting smiles!
Here is a little exercise I do with my clients called collecting smiles:
- You need one week, a note pad, pen and some random people you encounter in every day life.
- Your goal is to collect as many smiles as you can in one week.
- Make eye contact, smile and if you get a smile back, you get one point.
- If that smile turns into a conversation you get a bonus 5 points.
- If you don’t get a smile back, wish that person love (in your head).
- Note down how many points you got and please send us a message to share.
Right now you have to be safe and responsible, but being safe and responsible is probably a good thing. We have actually seen that corona has been helpful for some people in sparking new romance. It has slowed things down, forced people to change their usual behaviours/ habits and highlighted the importance of deep connections around us. We think that whilst people are connecting with less people, they are connecting more fully, which leads to deeper connections.
These are just some ideas of what you can do to encounter potential matches. There is so much more! Take the challenge of doing something every day for 21 days to meet love. Use this 21 day calendar from The Love Doctor, Terri Orbuch. Download and fill it in for 21 days and please message us to share your observations. The actions can be whatever you think is most helpful in your journey to meet love, e.g. the loving kindness mediation above, joining a dance class, working out your emotional needs in a relationship, joining a course in authentic connection… etc.
As you are meeting people, it’s easy to fall back into old patterns, to react, or avoid, observe yourself and practice moving to level 3 of consciousness (step 1).
When meeting people, it can be easy to adapt yourself to fit in, or be what they want. Remember to practice being more you and keeping your values at heart (step 2).
When meeting potential partners use your non-negotiable requirements in a relationship as your gateway criteria. Be aware of your needs so that you can observe if others can meet you there. Let go of any fixed ideas of attraction and be curious about the unique connection you can discover with each being (step 3).
Keep in mind the previous steps.
In step 1, we looked at how your past determines how you love (and live) today considering three levels of consciousness – and how to practice being at the third level of consciousness where you have a mindful awareness – and rather than
In step 2, we looked at the best strategy to meet love – being your authentic self and living an authentic life.
In step 3, we looked at what a compatible partnership is for you.
Now in step 4, you are taking action towards deep connection.