As relationships often start with attraction, we thought we’d start our blog challenges series by addressing the question of how to be more attractive. At the matchmaking agency, we see the big role attraction plays in dating, relationships and beyond. We think the trick in attraction is to let go of your most attractive self, bring forward your least attractive self and lead with your ‘full rainbow’ (terminology credit to Linnea Molander)…
Us matchmakers are likes flies… annoyingly buzzing around a lot of poop? No, not those ones, we mean the ones on the wall. There, observing, listening in while romantic connections spark… or dwindle… as is sometimes the case.
We see that in a situation like meeting a stranger and hoping they will love you, there is a lot of pressure to be attractive. How do I win them over?
And let’s face it, attraction is important. It is the catalyst that excites us to learn every detail about this rather ordinary person. It is the chemistry that we don’t quite understand. For some reason testosterone, oestrogen, dopamine and norepinephrine is floating around shutting down logic and reason before, hopefully, some oxytocin and vasopressin creates some serious bonding (Helen Fisher).
Attraction is the gateway to the deeper stuff. It is also the energy that keeps that connection alive over time. The question is how do I be more attractive? How do I spark that chemistry?
To answer this question let’s first look at who you think is your most attractive self. We learnt about this from our important attachments throughout life. Those wonderfully flawed early caregivers, sometimes titled mum and/ or dad, for example.
Write down the following learnings from your caregivers:
- What did you learn to do to receive love?
- Who did you learn to be to get attention/ acceptance/ reward?
- What parts of you were appreciated?
- What parts of you did you learn were not appreciated/ not so easy for others/ not lovable?
Using these questions, also reflect on the other important attachments throughout your life, for example, siblings, friends, romantic partners.
When you are nervous, stressed, anxious, uncertain, like on a first date or in a new group, this is the person often who leads.
“My diva comes out, dominates conversation (doesn’t really hear the other person), she has learnt to be strong, don’t show weakness, everyone in my family appreciated my feistiness because for them it meant – strength, it meant courage, it meant survival”.
“I shrink the sissy, lower the voice a bit, walk ‘normally’, it’s better to be quiet so that they don’t notice your inner queen. My loved ones wanted me to fit in and be accepted by others, they wanted to protect me from being different”.
“I’m a charmer, I make people smile, I was taught manners, but there was not really room for emotion when you are well-mannered”.
But what if it was the least attractive part of you, that was your secret weapon in attraction? Ken Page calls these your core gifts.
The parts that we have learnt are our least attractive qualities, the parts that we hold back, are often huge parts of who we are. When we shrink them, we are not being our authentic self, we are not being whole – we are performing.
Attraction is not a performance, it’s your raw, authentic, unrehearsed, weird and wonderful, real self. And daring to lead with your whole self, when you connect, you get authentic connection. When you allow others to shine some love in those dark corners you have been hiding… wow. That’s deep connection.
Our dating coach Linnea Molander says “bring your full rainbow” not just that little part of you that you think others want. We want to know all the different colours of your rainbow. And we want you to practice being whole.
Step 1: Identify the ‘colours’ in your rainbow.
“I am creativity, empathy, contribution, play, drive, a thinker, quiet, tactile, naughty.
Step 2: Try these colours on for size and walk around in them. Every day choose one and see what you can do to embody that colour.
Step 3: Change the colours of your rainbow if necessary.
Step 4: Pick three colours every week and do a mantra meditation using those colours.
Sit comfortably, take three deep breaths and on the third close your eyes and let your breath return to normal. Focus on your breathing. If any thoughts come, notice them and bring your attention back to your breathing. Slowly repeat each ‘colour’ three times for example “empathy, empathy, empathy. Creativity, creativity, creativity. Contribution, contribution, contribution” and without expectation or judgement, using only curiosity, see what comes up.
Step 5: Notice when the performer comes out, thank them, and choose to lead with your whole rainbow.